I am usually the last one to go home in our team, and up until now, I have really thought it was just due to my slowness. Yes I might have more workload than others, partly I bring upon myself as I want to help our team and volunteer often, but mainly due to my slowness I thought. But for the past weeks, months, my boss has been telling me that “we have to do something about this” (“I hope we do something about this”) He has been advising me to step back and be assertive in controlling work I will take in. To learn to say no, find ways to cut-down work (efficiently), to delegate tasks, especially if it is someone else’s responsibility.
Out of concern, he sternly told me recently that having one person in the team leave so late (me) while others go home early is just absurd (馬鹿馬鹿しい). I felt like crying, because a part of me took that as my intention of wanting to help turning out to be for worse, but I know full well he meant well. Finally today, in our “last people in the team standing” (note: we left past 8) conversations, things became clearer to me. He wants the team to work together better. To not be confined in our own little islands–“my responsibility is only up until this part” kind of mindset–but to actually work together to make things happen, to solve our piling challenges, not just be a 評論家 (commentator/critic), but be someone who practices what he preaches, to be willing to get down and do the dirty めんどくさい groundwork we need to do to make things happen. And we cannot do that unless each of us is willing to share that burden, carry a piece of that “shared responsibility”, and help out the team, work together as a team.
My boss is known to be a workaholic. Someone who dedicates much of his life to work, goes home late. And while some may look at him as someone having “no life”, I actually see him as someone with the heart and desire to make things work for our team. And if he goes home late while we get home early, I am afraid it is also because we in the team are not helping him enough. Many times I see him filling-in for responsibilities that are not originally his, responsibilities that other people have found too difficult to carry, or simply left. (He is thankfully learning to delegate more and more, sharing responsibilities with others. But just so happens others are not as capable or willing to take responsibility for other tasks yet, so he has to step in when the push comes to a shove)
One time we had our farewell party for our department head, and he had to leave early because of a major task left for our steering commitee meeting. Some of us looked at him with disdain, thinking he is working “too much”. I went to check and see things after that, as I had unfinished tasks myself, and saw the clearer picture. He had “too much” to do because a major task need to be done, and most of us did not seem the least bit concerned that the data we need has not been gathered yet. I have not really thought much about it until now, but yes, I too hope and dream of us working together better. Heart, mind, spirit aligned to work together for a common vision, common goals.
I have come to understand that when my boss apologizes to me for staying late (申し訳ないね), he means to say “thank you”–“Thank you for putting your mind and soul into work”, “Thank you for the willingness to do the めんどくさい troublesome work others would normally turn away from”, “Thank you for volunteering to do this even when it is not specifically your responsibility”–that is how I interpret it now. While at the same time concerned for my welfare and desires that I also do my best to work effectively, efficiently, such that I do not have to render overtime so much.
And in turn, I can only say “thank you, boss”–for looking at my strengths and not emphasizing my faults or mistakes, when I tend to focus on the latter and look at myself so little; for noticing and commending my accomplishments, even the little things, when I tend to brush them off as “nothing much” out of false humility (“imposter syndrome”). Thank you for the faith, for believing in me (」これから大変だけど、よろしくね」) Thank you, thank you. 感謝感謝、本当に感謝しています。TT_TT
