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Do you know the feeling of watching a suspense thriller movie and being surprised by a plot twist that turns things around and makes you go “woooahh-ly!“? That’s how I felt when God revealed to me the depth of pride and unforgiveness in my heart. I had another scales-falling-off-from-my-eyes enlightenment moment as I realized that the faults I had been accusing and criticizing my husband of were actually a reflection of the very sins in my heart. Oh, the shock, the humiliation; yet also the overwhelming grace and comfort I felt through this rollercoaster.
The Poison of Unforgiveness and Pride
A friend shared a story with me called Dirty Laundry when we talked about what I was going through. It perfectly described the situation I was in for the past months, maybe even years! For years, I saw my husband through dirty lenses, tinted by hurts and disappointments over the years. These small seeds grew to become nasty stubborn weeds in my heart thanks to the poison of unforgiveness and pride.
The deadly combination of unforgiveness and pride made me not only blind to my own sins but made me see my husband’s faults magnified through the zoomed-in lens of a critical heart. The disappointment and hurt I experienced felt magnified, and every fight and argument ended up feeding my confirmation bias and multiplying the bad seeds in my heart. This made it grow further and deeper.
Consequently, the more hurt I felt, the more sensitive and easily triggered I became, and the more bewildered I was as to why my husband could be so blind to how I was feeling. With every stone of judgment I threw at him, yet another bad seed got planted in my heart left unchecked. It was like I was spouting venom at him with my words and actions, yet at the same time, poisoning myself too. And because of my blindness, I was so blissfully ignorant of all that was already happening in my heart!
Before I knew it, I have given the devil a foothold in my heart. The Gospel that was supposed to make me rooted in Christ, His love and compassion, turned into the bad, sour fruit of spiritual pride. It was so proud each time it saw a speck in my husband; so blinded to the plank in my own eye—the sin in my heart.
Consider this verse from Matthew 6:22-23:
“Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!
Before this revelation, whenever I came across this verse, I thought of other people. Not realizing that it actually applied more to me! The light I thought I had was, indeed, darkness. I was so blind I couldn’t recognize the dark pit I was in. And truly, that’s how cunning the Enemy is.
Through this experience, I learned just how crucial it is to keep my heart pure and free from unforgiveness and pride, in order for me to look at my husband through a lens of love, compassion, and grace. That is the only way to break free from the chains of darkness and to grow in the light of Christ.
This passage reveals the dangers of unforgiveness and pride and how they can blind us to our own faults while magnifying the faults of others. It serves as a reminder to examine our hearts and thoughts, and to approach others with love, compassion, and grace.
A Series of Unfortunate events and signs
In the battles and the trials I’ve faced, it is evident that pride is my Achilles’ heel. But I did not realize that it was rooted in my unforgiveness. It took years, but the voice of the Spirit finally came through after a series of unfortunate events and signs over the course of two weeks, as things between me and my husband snowballed beyond what I could bear.
First, I noticed my burst of anger escalated to a whole new level. I got hurt and went hysterical over a difference in opinion on how to prepare a chocolate milk drink. Seriously. What a significant topic to argue about, right? /sarcasm
Second, I felt a lingering numbness in my heart during our anniversary week that I could not explain. On the surface I felt happy—I know that I should be, considering how blessed I am with my husband—but for some reason, deep down, joy eluded me. Now I realize it was because my heart was not right with God.
Third, I had an epiphany after the recent weekend retreat I attended which made me more aware of differences between me and my husband. But instead of focusing on my side of the equation, I focused on what my husband needs to improve on. What’s worse, I gave him the laundry list right after, thinking it was from the Holy Spirit. Clearly of course, it wasn’t. I did not even pray about it first before I spoke.
With the hurtful things I hurled at my husband, the very words I said boomeranged at me and slapped me awake. It really felt like I snapped out of a trance.
Note to readers: This text is a personal anecdote and should not be taken as advice or guidance.
Hard of Hearing, and a Heart that is Hurting
Growing up as a Christian, I was well aware of the sins of judging others, hypocrisy, and pride. The Bible teaches us to guard our hearts above all else, to take captive every thought, to consider others better than ourselves, and to always be humble. However, somewhere along the way, I became complacent and neglected taking care of my heart, and I stumbled, blissfully unaware that I had fallen into a pit. The little hurts accumulated and became deeper wounds, which left open and untreated, became the fertile ground for bad seeds to take root, and hardened my heart in the process.
Because the hurts in my heart and the pain were so much louder, I could not hear the voice of our gentle shepherd calling out to me. I became hard of hearing, emotionally and spiritually. In fact, I think I ended up grieving the Spirit with my sinful thoughts and actions.
There were also other compounding factors that blinded me even further. Allow me to expound further.
Firstly, I did not deal with my unresolved anger. I thought that anger was a normal part of marriage that spouses have to deal with. My husband did not seem bothered by it either, so despite my She Hulk outbursts, I quickly moved on without going deeper into my anger and understanding what exactly was going on in my heart. The anger should have been a clear indicator that something in my heart was off, and that I needed to recalibrate with God.
Secondly, I was in denial of issues I needed to confront caused by emotional invalidation, both self-inflicted and otherwise. I ended up invalidating my own feelings because of two seemingly irreconcilable sentiments I had about my husband. On one hand, I knew what an amazing guy my husband was – very loving and hardworking, someone who would constantly put my needs above his own. Yet, on the other hand, I had hurts and disappointments due to unmet emotional needs as well.
To add to this, most if not all my friends around me would gush about how wonderful my husband was and how blessed I must be. And since there were more of them than me, the voice of the majority must be more valid than my own, I thought. The hurts and disappointments I felt must be just a lie, I thought. After all, the heart is deceitful.
There were also friends who rebuked me before when I confided about how I felt about my husband, as they saw the pride in my heart. This further cemented the idea that my feelings might not really be valid, so I buried the hurts and disappointments instead.
My husband and I had fewer fights after that. I also found myself nagging less, which all seemed like a good sign of progress, right? Or so I thought.
The hurts and disappointments I buried in my heart eventually found their way out again, manifesting itself in numbness, then overwhelming sadness after I became aware of the feelings I had buried. Then it exploded to anger once again, instead of yielding to God. “In your anger, do not sin”, God reminds us in the Scripture. But the sadness I felt consumed me, and in what I thought was righteous anger, I said things to my husband I wish I could take back because it hurt him deeply.
I am not proud of what I did. Ashamed even. But these were also the very things that God used to finally slap me awake and realize that I was caught in a spider’s web, weaved craftily by the threads spun by the Enemy (that I was actually helping grow stronger!)
Through this rollercoaster ride with my emotions, God came through and made me realize that the two seemingly conflicting feelings I had about my husband were actually both valid. The wonderful things about my husband and how I felt hurt were both valid. My feelings are valid. Jesus sees me, understands my hurts, and assures me that I am loved no less. This realization, for me, was so liberating. And also humbling.
In the process, I also had to forgive my friends who rebuked me without acknowledging how I felt. They had good intentions, and they were right about the pride in my heart, yes, but sadly they also did not see the side of me that was hurting, whose feelings were also valid. I just realized I was hurt on hindsight, and forgave them upon realizing this.
Truly, God is such a good good Father. Because of the Lord’s great love and mercy, I was not consumed. (Lamentations 3:22) In His great love and mercy, He showed me the depth of the pit I was in, yet also pulled me out from darkness to light.
tl;dr The author of this piece shares her journey of self-discovery, forgiveness, and redemption. Her experience highlights the importance of recognizing the validity of our own feelings and the need to confront our issues rather than burying them.
The Great Sin of Pride
“Pride is the greatest sin“, according to C. S. Lewis, “It is the complete anti-God state of mind.”
He sternly warned us against the sinister vice that is pride in his timeless writings. I knew about this, for years and years, and I would even teach others about this and warn them against the dangers of pride. I’m supposed to know this to heart! And yet, I ended up falling into the trap of pride that C. S. Lewis talks about.
There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others.
According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison. It was through pride that the Devil became the Devil: Pride leads to every other vice. It is the complete anti-God state of mind.
C. S. Lewis, from “Mere Christianity”
As I realized thanks to this experience God allowed me to go through, knowing about pride, and practicing true humility (and making sure one’s heart is guarded from the sin of pride), are two entirely different things. In fact, knowing so much about it can lead to spiritual pride. Just like it did to me. The more aware we are of the pride in other people, goes to show just how much pride is actually in our own heart.
All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is specially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, “By jove! I’m being humble,” and almost immediately pride— pride at his own humility—will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt—and so on, through as many stages as you please.
C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters
My husband would tell me every now and then how I used to be more patient, more gentle and kind before. And my immediate reaction is to be defensive or make excuses. Of course people change! No, YOU are the one who changed! These were my counter-arguments to him. Not realizing there is actually much truth in his words. Blissfully unaware that pride was eating up my heart, and also my relationship with my husband.
Hard as it is for me to accept, I eat my pride and acknowledge that yeah, my husband was right. And I repent for all the hurts I caused him because of this pride.
It is true, I used to be more rooted in God, during the early years of our relationship. I was not even aware of my own humility, and less critical about the pride in other people. Consequently, with my eyes clear and filled with God’s light, I also had fewer expectations, or perhaps less to no unreasonable expectation because I fully accepted my husband as he is, without wishing for him to change or become another person.
I don’t like this prideful self of mine, I hate it. I hate what it’s doing to me and my relationship. So I banish from my heart and our household, in Jesus’ name! With forgiveness and repentance, God washes us clean, makes us new.
To be Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. This is hard. […] how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.” We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.
C. S. Lewis, quoted in this wonderful Reflection about the Necessity of Forgiveness
The Panacea of Prayer
I think one of the ultimate ways we can guard our hearts against sin and especially pride is to pray. Incessantly. In all circumstances. Everyday, every moment.
Prayer, as long as it’s done from the heart, from a place of humility, brings us to a posture of surrender to God. And when we pray not just for our needs, but pray for our husbands–surrendering all our needs and expectations to our Abba Father, a miracle happens. God softens our hearts, fills the gap with His everlasting love, restores us, and gives us a fresh new eyes to see the world around us through His love and grace. Help us see that we are all broken people, no exceptions. Which is exactly why we all need Jesus.
Everyone has sinned and fallen short of God’s glorious standard, and all need to be made right with God by his grace, which is a free gift. They need to be made free from sin through Jesus Christ.
Romans 3:23-24, NCV version
I am currently reading Stacie Omartian’s book, The Power of a Praying Wife, gifted by my husband. And it’s been amazing so far. It is truly inspired by God, with every word breathed by the Spirit; such a great reminder to keep ourselves anchored in God, and fight with God. I heartily recommend it to my dear fellow wives, no matter what season you may be in your marriage.
Here are but some of the excerpts from the book that were sweet honey to my soul.
Prayer brings unity even if you aren’t praying together
This oneness gives us a power that the enemy doesn’t like. That’s why he devises ways to weaken it. He gives us whatever we will fall for, whether it be low self-esteem, pride, the need to be right, miscommunication, or the bowing to our own selfish desires. He will tell you lies like, “Nothing will ever change.” “Your failures are irreparable.” […] He will tell you whatever you believe, because he knows that if he can get you to believe it, there is no future for your marriage. If you believe enough lies, your heart will eventually be hardened against God’s truth.
The second excerpt perfectly sums up the rollercoaster ride I was in these past months. Oh boy what a crazy ride it was! Thank you, Lord, for taking the scales off of my eyes and heart.
As I end this post, allow me to share another excerpt from the book which is also my prayer and hope for my dear fellow wives in this journey of marriage:
Above all, don’t give place to impatience. Seeing answers to your prayers can take time, especially if your marriage is deeply wounded or strained. Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Only the Lord is perfect. Look to God as the source of all you want to see happen in your marriage, and don’t worry about how it will happen. It’s your responsibility to pray. It’s God’s decision to answer according to His will. Leave it in His hands.
God bless you all.
