Prelude
Our thoughts have the power to shape us; from how we think, to how we act, and ultimately to who/what we become. How we think of ourselves–in other words, our sense of identity–the lens through which we view ourselves, shape how we feel and act. The environment we grew up in plays a huge role in shaping our sense of identity, especially our core identity from childhood to adolescence. And depending on our upbringing (and also our parents’ upbringing), we can either be raised in a home filled with love and acceptance, or that of broken one that reminds us of how lacking we are, and how we need to prove our worth before we can be worthy of anyone’s love.
Miyo as we know, falls into the latter category. What’s worse, unlike some of us who may have had at least found the company of friends and a loving community even with the absence of a healthy home, Miyo had none of that growing up. The closest she can consider family–in the sense that she was loved for who she was–was Hana, but even she was taken away from her when she was still so young. So in essence, Miyo did not have anyone to lean on growing up. She did not even have the choice to rely on someone, because she was treated like a slave who has no free will of her own. (I am intentionally leaving Kouji out of the picture because the authenticity of his friendship is questionable for me, and in the end he proved to be unreliable both as a friend and a family)
Twenty years of your life in that kind of environment… just imagine that. It’s no wonder that even after getting saved from the cruel Saimoris, Miyo still judges herself through this broken mirror she grew up with. She is physically free and safe, yet her mind and heart is still chained to her past–her broken sense of identity, together with her insecurity and fear that any given time she might lose her place if she doesn’t prove herself worthy. This anxiety which she keeps to no one but herself weighs so heavy in her heart that it might be one of the major causes of her nightmares I believe.
On Miyo’s Negative Self-Talk
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
– Proverbs 4:23
Take note of Miyo’s inner dialogue in this episode, the words she tell herself. Observe the damaging effects of this negative self-talk.
“How can I study to be a proper lady like Hazuki when I’m back to being how I was before?”, feeling like a failure because of her frailty. Causing a double-negative effect as she is not only able to accept her own weakness, but also punishes herself for it.
“It’s a shame that my opportunity to study is being wasted”
“If I really let myself be coddled, I know I won’t be able to become a proper wife in the Kudo family”
Says who? By whose standard does Miyo judge this?
Miyo is no longer in the Saimori household, but she is still unknowingly using their standard of judgment upon herself. And feeling inadequate because of it.
On Miyo’s Wounded Heart and the Power of Vulnerability
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
– Proverbs 4:23
The only kind of love Miyo was exposed to growing up was love that is conditional, based on meritocracy. She never experienced love that is unconditional–that which does not need to be earned, which does not depend on what you do or don’t do; the kind of love that accepts even the ugliest parts of yourself that you don’t even want to admit.
So even when Kudo encourages Miyo to not hesitate to show her emotions to him and depend on him, even when he tells her “Be more selfish, I will accept you whole”, her heart doesn’t know how to fully accept such kind of a love. I believe this is why Miyo looked so sad after that sweet tender moment in this episode.
It’s as though she’s saying, “thank you dear husband, but I can’t do that (I can’t afford to just take it easy and be spoiled)”
Instead of learning to depend on her husband, to be vulnerable, her resolve to do things on her own after this sweet moment ironically become stronger. As though depending on someone, and showing your vulnerability to people you love, is a sign of weakness.
When you buy into the lie that showing your vulnerable side–exposing your emotions in full spectrum–is a sign of weakness, you will end up hiding your emotions to yourself. The danger in doing this however, is that you might become less and less aware of how you truly feel as well. You can become numb, to the point of not being aware of your own limits; or be unable to feel joy and excitement, as your heart gets clogged with all this clutter. (as we saw in Miyo in this episode)
And of course, how can you be honest with others even the person closest to you, if you are not even honest with yourself? So I don’t find it surprising that Miyo is not able to easily share her own feelings honestly to Kiyoka yet. She has yet to understand the power of vulnerability, and how it is only by being vulnerable to each other do we really grow in trust, and intimacy.
The Kudo household is the first ever safe haven Miyo had in her entire life, and she still doesn’t know how to act in a healthy way with healthy boundaries in such a safe environment. The childhood trauma Miyo experienced is unbelievable, and she still needs to heal from that.
I love how Kiyoka not only gives Miyo the space she needs to heal, but is also the first one to show his vulnerable side to her, giving her permission to do the same. I know Kiyoka lost control of his emotions at the end of this episode and said hurtful words to Miyo, and while I do not condone this, I find this to be a big step in their relationship as Kiyoka was able to bear his heart–fully unmasked–to Miyo.
The question is, how then will they move forward after this? After seeing both the ugly side of each other, will they still be able to accept each other fully and love each other? Forgive each other and heal?
I will stand by with expectation as we witness how they fight for their love in the coming episodes.
P.S.
I cannot talk about the power of vulnerability without mentioning Brene Brown, whose TED Talk and life work on vulnerability and shame had such a profound life-changing impact on me.
I think scales fell off my eyes when I watched this years back. And made me all the more grasp the Scriptures that says
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
And I love how Brene Brown advocates for the power of naming our emotions, having the language to express the range of emotions we have. Also pointing to the fact that all emotions are valid and beautiful. The more we understand these emotions and how inter-related different emotions are, the more we will be able to understand ourselves and also others. From a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment.
