It’s Prayer&Fasting Week, and while here I am in the middle of it, my mind continues to think of other things I have to be fasting for. Also half-doubting whether my promised one-meal fasting is indeed the way to go, having unable to transform my lunch into meaning time with the Lord. At least this Day 1, and most likely in Day 3 as we will have the English lunch. To join or to fast? Decide, Jenny!
But more than that, I am slowly but surely, realizing my major time-wasters in the past:
– ふらふらする: wandering anywhere without a specific purpose. killing time I am not supposed to have so much of!
– window shopping: similar to above, going to shops to “check”. spending so much time looking for stuff I think “I will need”
– segues: getting distracted, welcoming so many stopovers before getting to my destination. not being conscious of the time.
– dilly-dallying: wasting soooo much time not acting and deciding quick! which stuff to get, this or that? where to eat, here or there? getting swallowed by so many choices. all because: I do not really know what I want.
– indulging in cooking, “showing off” in social media: the cooking bit may not be so true anymore now, but months back when I was in my “bento preparation” mode, I would spend sooo much precious time late at night cooking instead of channeling it to more pressing activities. Like spending quiet time, reflecting, writing, reading.
^ The above can be easily summed up by: lack of intentionality, lack of purpose. I am not setting the “direction” of how I want to spend my precious free time, hence I end up wasting it. Then I will get depressed for not being able to have quiet time as I ought to. Silly silly.
Now, during this time of fasting, every grumble of my tummy reminds me of the time I have wasted filling it with all sorts of junk. Time wasters. Distractions. Where my time, my mind (or the lack thereof), and my heart went. And my soul got lost alongside it. In a dark void that I allowed to grow. (Boy and the Beast comes to mind, boy oh boy that film. I will always see it as a Christian life allegory)
Fasting is, as I now realize, regaining time back. Regaining precious time I am supposed to spend with my loving Father. Who has loved me, still has, and ever will. To be anchored in Him, and Him alone. To be safe and secure in His arms. To go through life, go through the “daily grind” with–yes, struggles–but more than that, the steady hope that God’s love always be with us. That if our identity is rooted in Christ, nothing can ever snatch us from His love. Love that is undeserved. Simply by Grace.
Just the other day, when I was starting this Prayer and Fasting week, I was asking God exactly what Matthew 6:33 meant, to “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness…” Perhaps, it’s simply, being conscious of how I spend my time. Then with that consciousness comes control, direction–to point it right where it ought to be. Replace bad habits with good, habits I ought to cultivate to allow me “more time” alone with God. To listen, pray, reflect.
While I may not know fully what His kingdom is, what His will is for me, the extent of how God wants me to live (righteously), the best I can give is TIME. Because the more time I spend with Him, the closer I will be, and the more sensitive I will be to His calling. Daily walk, daily devotion. To have that desire, to spend time with Him everyday. Easier said than done, I know. But becoming conscious is one big step towards this. Next is to take the steps to really change these habits…
Lord, may you remind me of the lowest points in my life, and how you picked me up and me whole, made me new. But more than that, remind me of the HOPE and FUTURE that I have in you. No longer chained by my past sins, my past struggles, but by the potential you see in me. You judge not the number of times I have stumbled, but rather the times I get back on my feet to find you again. Remind me, humble me. Let gratefulness well up in my heart as I remember, and fill my heart with gladness. Help me remember, Lord, because I have forgotten. Let it rise to the foreground of my life, and be a cornerstone of my faith.
